THE 2011 PHANNIES

Presented by Der Fuehrer and The Phantom of the Ring

 

Yes, fans of all things rotten, it’s that time. It’s the season of awards: The Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, The Director’s Guild awards, and, finally, the Oscars. But it’s also the time for The Phannies, the oldest wrestling awards show. (Yes, older than the Slammys.) Unlike the previously mentioned shows, the reader will not be seeing any semblance of taste in these awards. Watch the others if you’re looking for that. Here, the only Golden Globes mentioned are Gail Kim’s implants; the only SAG Award will be the chest of Chris Masters now that he’s off the juice; and the only statues Kane and the Great Khali.

 

 

 

Did we say oldest running wrestling awards? Yes, we’ve been giving them out since 1989 when the tradition began in John Gallagher’s now-defunct Wrestling Forum, perhaps the wildest and most freewheeling wrestling fanzine ever published. Over the years the Phantom has had the assistance of some noted writers, mainly Bill Kunkel, who assisted the Phantom during his days with Wrestling Perspective. Those were the Golden Days of the Phannies, for besides Bill Kunkel the Phantom also had the top-notch editing skill of Perspective co-owner Paul MacArthur, who was also known to contribute an award or two to the mix.

 

Since the Phantom’s move to Pro Wrestling Digest, things began to wind down. After the unexpected death of Mr. Kunkel, to whom the Phantom owes a huge debt, it looked as if the awards might themselves wind down. But now the Phantom has a new ally, Der Fuehrer, newly emerged from his bunker and looking to even the score with those who ruined the game he loves, pro wrestling. Der Fuehrer is strictly Old School in outlook and is aghast at what has been done to wrestling by those that look and act as though they flunked recess.

 

This edition is the longest ever in the history of The Phannies as Der Fuehrer had quite a lot to get off his chest. For the record, I also wrote a few, but mostly confined myself to the Editor side of the desk. The opinions expressed are those of the Phantom, but mostly of Der Fuehrer, who, now that he has finished his task, is returning to his adopted home of Argentina. So sit back and try to enjoy, for here are The Phannies.

 

WORST PAY-PER-VIEW: Take yer choice, there’s at least one a month. Here, in the Age of Cable, the PPV has come to replace the House Show. What really stings, however, is the price for what one receives. It’s now about $45.00 for two hours of dull action, whereas in the old days, it was $19.95 for about three hours, and the cable company ran it twice, enabling one to become the popular figure person at work by people who came rushing with blank videocassettes, hoping he or she will be The Chosen One for that night and bring home WrestleOverkill for the kiddies who already clutching their Hulkster dolls and beating their siblings’ heads against the walls in anticipation. Now, everything is tightened up, with the main goal being to extract as much lucre from the pockets of the willing victims while providing the least amount of wrestling as possible. And if anyone should happen to be entertained along the way, consider it a bonus.

 

WORST HYPOCRISY:  WWE is currently cramming the airwaves of its empire with its latest do-good campaign – the campaign against bullying in our schools. It’s a hot button issue and a worthy one for a campaign, but, as we know, anything of this nature that WWE hitches its wagon to is in actuality a thinly disguised P.R. campaign, in this case designed to take attention from the garbage they spew and give Candidate McMahon a better profile with the voters.

So let us begin with a basic definition: Bullying, as we see it (and tell us if we’re wrong), is when a more powerful person picks on someone unable to fight back. Now, for someone accusing others of bullying, WWE is doing a pretty good job of bullying themselves. A feature article on the WWE Website, titled “Turkeys in the Ring” listed current and past WWE employees such as Michael Cole, Kizarny, Mike Adamle. Bart Gunn, Vito, Rick Bognar, and the Gobbledygooker. The article was typical WWE: a fluffy outside with a nasty, smarmy message inside. To its great surprise, we’re sure, WWE found out that not everyone was happy with the article; in particular two of the article’s targets – Big Vito and Kizarny. They spoke out about it loud, long, and publicly, accusing WWE of being the biggest bully on the block. And despite the defenses offered by the large number of WWE toadies on the Internet, WWE pulled the article a week later. (Perhaps the order came from Candidate McMahon’s headquarters somewhere in the Hindquarters of Hell, knowing that an opposing candidate for whatever she’s running for will use it against her.) So, toadies, if the article was so innocuous, why did the WWE erase it from cyberspace?

Of course, in its rush to blame others (in this case labeling them as “turkeys”), WWE actually indicts itself in the articles, for all the wrestling characters and angles mocked were of WWE origin. Take Rick Bognar – he was pushed as the Fake Razor Ramon after the real one left for WCW. We know that Bognar didn’t come into WWE offices and proclaim that he was going to work for them as the Fake Razor. No, that character came from the fertilized mind of one Vince McMahon. (Remember what fertilizer truly is and you have the mind of McMahon.) All these wrestlers were doing was taking a shoddy character or angle and trying to make the best of it. But for us the article was a clear look into how WWE values its employees. They laugh at them, considering them as not fully developed human beings. Here again – consider the source. And that source is Vince McMahon, the true Turkey of the lot.

 

WORST DATE: Chyna, who is currently advertised as being a “Los Angeles Porn Star Escort” on the site MyPornStarProvider, which books such escorts. Although they tell the viewer to contact them for rates, we learned that the going rate is $3,500 for the first hour; $1,500 each additional hour; $10,000 for 24 hours; and if you want to rent Chyna for the weekend (assuming you’re a hard core masochist), it’s $20,000. So, if you have the money and you’re really serious about this, then we have a few suggestions: (1) Given her past appearances on reality shows, do not under any circumstances let her drink. Otherwise she may be blotto the entire weekend. (2) Pick the restaurant and nightclubs. If you let her suggest, the odds are you may run into the likes of Sean Waltman, and real trouble may then ensue. (3) Do not ask her about Triple H, otherwise you’ll probably get an hours-long diatribe, which you’ll certainly be bored with after the first five minutes. (4) Do not take her on a hunting trip, especially during moose season. And most importantly, (5) think it over before you commit your money. Losing propositions aren’t any more obvious than this.

 

WORST PORN STAR:  Our girl, Chyna, who announces her arrival for Vivid Entertainment by saying “Hi, I’m Chyna, and I’m shooting my first movie for Vivid.” This after her representative team went out of its way to state that she never did the flick for the porn outfit. Her PR flacks said that any rumors of a new porn flick “should be taken with a grain of salt.” Well, so much for that. We guess she can forget about that TNA gig, not that it would pay anything anyway.  You can probably find her film in the back room of your local video store or maybe wait a few years until an edited version makes its way to Animal Planet or NatGeo Wild.  For her part, TMZ.com quoted Chyna as saying, “It gives me motivation again. I want to be better and happier than ever . . .  that’s the point, right?” We suppose.

 

 

 

 

WORST POLL RESULT: The Boston Phoenix has given Triple H the exalted rank of #20 on its list of “The 100 Unsexiest Men of 2011.” Finishing above him were such luminaries as Dr. Oz, Ricky Gervais, Charlie Sheen, and Hank Williams, Jr., We wonder if this was a poll and if any WWE employees were able to vote. We think not, however, otherwise he might have finished first. At any rate, here’s what The Phoenix had to say about him:

 

The night before his WWE contract expired, CM Punk snatched the WWE championship from the loathed John Cena, and wrestling was edgy and cool again . . .  for about a week. Then Triple H — Vince McMahon’s son-in-law and inexplicable “star” from 2003 — hogged the Monday Night Raw cameras for the entire summer.   

 

Now we certainly wouldn’t accuse The Boston Phoenix of being a wrestling magazine. But even they can see what’s going on here; that’s just how obvious Trips is. Of course, everyone but the Internet toadies can see it. But let’s face it, Trips has always reminded us here at Phannie Central of a monkey that’s been strategically shaved and stuffed into a suit so as to pass among humans. This poll only confirms our suspicions.

 

WORST SLOGAN: Impact Wrestling’s “Wrestling Matters.” Sounds good until you see their product. Then you realize wrestling is the last thing that matters.

 

WORST RETIREMENT: Mark Henry, interviewed in the January edition of WWE Magazine, says he considered quitting before his World Title run. That’s news to us. We thought he quit long ago.

 

WORST MEGALOMANIA: In ads posted before WWE’s Night of Champions PPV, Trips was referred to as “King of Kings.” Excuse us?!  King of Kings?? Clod of clods, maybe. It amazes us that while others spend their time perfecting whatever game they have Trips spends his time thinking up new nicknames for himself. Our favorite is “The Cerebral Assassin.”  This from a guy who takes an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

Dishonorable Mention: Steve Austin told TMZ.com he has no problem with Tim Tebow using John 3:16, as opposed to Austin 3:16; he’s “fine with it.” Oh good. Now we can sleep at night.

 

WORST PERFORMER: The “Great” Khali, who could be listed as an energy saving device for all the energy he expends in a ring. Stiffer and less mobile they don’t come. Even Andre, in the twilight of his career was like Rey Misterio compared to the Hindu squatter. WWE should run a strobe light during his matches to simulate motion.

 

WORST FINISHER: Triple H and his “Pedigree,” a front-face pile driver. It’s so hokey that we can see the victim actually helping himself into the hold and Trips applying it with as much force as a nerf ball. We were watching tapes of the AWA from the 80s on ESPN Classic and noticed that Colonel DeBeers used the same finisher, but when he used it, it looked a whole lot better and we could not see the victim so obviously move himself into position. But then DeBeers was a better performer, and Trips is . . .  well, Trips.

Dishonorable Mention: Santino Marella and his “cobra.” It always reminded us of when Curly waved his hand in front of Moe, moved the hand up and then suddenly brought it down. Poor Marella; he’s actually an excellent worker but finds himself buried as a low-comic character.

 

WORST TAG TEAM: Eric Young and ODB. One would figure they’re wrestling other mixed tag teams, but no, they’re facing other male teams. It’s actually a slap in the face to ODB to have to be teamed with a stiff like Eric, but she makes the best of it with some good moves. Meanwhile, Eric just stands around. Yep, Wrestling Matters, all right.

 

WORST RETURN: In a recent article in the Winnipeg Free Press Chris Jericho talks about his return to WWE, stating that not only is he in the best shape of his life, but also has no intentions of going anywhere else soon. This from the man who earlier tweeted the following: “Let me get something straight . . .  I will never wrestle for the WWE again. But there is some big news coming up in the world of dance . . .” Then again, can we really say that what WWE does is wrestling? He may be right about the world of dance. And we can believe him when he says he’s not going anywhere else soon. Where else can he go?

 

WORST DEBUT: Sin Cara, who wowed them down in Mexico and was touted by talent manager Triple H as the next big thing. Of course, having signed him, Trips didn’t have a clue as to what to do with him. Known in Mexico as Misticio, Trips decided to rename him Sin Cara, as in “without a face.” The way his character worked out, Trips might just as well put on a mask himself and become Sin Cara’s tag partner, Sin Pista, as in “without a clue.” About the only impact Sin Cara had on WWE was to fail the Wellness Program, which earned him a suspension. Then, when he returned, WWE decided to push him with the old “impostor” angle, which went nowhere because of overuse and the fact that the character had not established himself before his suspension. It would have played well in Mexico, but we’re not in Mexico. Score another one for Trips.

Dishonorable Mention: Kharma, the Artist Formerly Known as Awesome Kong. Now that she’s working for WWE, she risks the danger of going from AWE-some to AW-ful. When she debuted last year she was immediately cast as a heel and seemed to be chasing the likes of Kelly Kelly around incessantly. A friend of our remarked that WWE was playing out the storyline of King Kong, where the giant ape chases the blonde, lithe Fay Wray to his ultimate destruction. We originally pooh-poohed that as African-American paranoia, but looking back at it, we’re not so sure. It does seem like an angle WWE would pursue, given the past history of such tactics. But the great debut crashed before it got into orbit, for Kong announced her pregnancy shortly thereafter and postponed her participation in the ring wars until recently. We shall see where it goes from here, though we’re not optimistic.

 

WORST QUALITY CONTROL: The creative minds at WWE who decided to market a Sin Cara T-shirt, only to have it recalled a few hours after going on sale because the image on the shirt looked like a penis. Some wonder how this ever got by in the first place. Just think for a moment about Vince, Stephanie and Trips. Any questions?

 

 

 

 

WORST MATCH: Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler at WrestleMania 27. This was supposedly the pay off to their feud: an announcer with little wrestling training at best facing a 60+ years old former wrestler. How else could it be other than lousy? And remember, you paid $44.95 to see this on PPV.

Dishonorable Mention: The Divas “Mistletoe on a Pole” match from the November 29^th SmackDown. They were all wearing Christmas outfits, and whoever got the mistletoe supposedly was to receive a Diva’s title shot. But wouldn’t you know it? After a titanic struggle that lasted about two-and-a-half minutes (Thank God!), Brie Bella won the match only to be told by Mick Foley (also dressed like Santa) that the prize had changed. Instead of a shot at the Divas title, she now got to kiss the superstar of her choice. Well, at least they saved us the boredom of a Divas championship match.

 

WORST TRUNKS: Triple H and his trunks featuring a semblance of a Maltese Cross on the rear end. Why are they the worst? Because he’s in them, that’s why.

 

WORST CONTEST: Challenge TV, which broadcasts TNA events in the United Kingdom, announced a contest wherein the winner gets a dinner with Velvet Sky along with a pair of tickets for a TNA show at the venue of the winner’s choice.  At first sight, it’s not bad. What red-blooded male would not want to have dinner with Velvet Sky?  Ah, but here comes the fine print. The dinner will be held at the arena on the day of the chosen show. Uh oh. Do we small an angle here? Or knowing TNA, will the “dinner” merely be a box lunch? Oh yeah, the winner will also have to write a blog for the Challenge website and social media about their experience. It could make for some interesting reading if left uncensored.

 

WORST ACCIDENT: In a post on her Facebook page, Tammy “Sunny” Sytch wrote of the injuries she recently suffered after reportedly falling down an escalator. She write that she had to go to a hospital for stitches and treatment for a fractured nose, posting a photo showing minor cuts to her face and two black eyes. Falling down an escalator? Oh well, it’s her story and she’s sticking to it. Not to say that escalators can’t be dangerous. We heard that Trips was stuck overnight at a well-known department store because the escalator he was riding broke down and he had to wait for the fire department to show the next day to rescue him. Well, that’s what we heard . . .  but we digress.

 

WORST FEUD: John Cena vs. The Rock vs. C.M. Punk. It began with Cena laying the smack down on the Rock during Raw. Then Cena layeth the smack down again after a live event in Australia. The Rock got wind and cut an 11-minute promo on YouTube knocking Cena’s promo and calling everyone’s favorite empty crew-cut a goof and an idiot. Apparently, according to The Rock, Cena misunderstood, and that when The Rock said that he would never go away, it didn’t mean that he would be at every single show on every single night. Cena is a WWE employee, sayeth The Rock, and must be there every show while, He, The Rock, is a free agent and shows up when he wants or when the price is right (or when his fading movie career needs a shot in the arm). Rock finished his soliloquy by calling Cana a “bloated transvestite wonder woman,” playing up to the male fans who boo Cena.

Punk, seeing as these two were having all the fun (and getting all the publicity), puts his two cents in and accuses The Rock of being “bourgeoisie Hollywood” and not fraternizing with “us little people” while off on “some weird vanity project.” Then, when asked about a potential WrestleMania match against Steve Austin, replies that it would be wrong “because Rock vs. Cena is the main event, and Austin should always be the main event.” Especially when he’s wrestling C.M. Punk.  As for public reaction, it was met with vigorous apathy.

 

WORST FEUD, PART DEUX: Tammy Sytch and former Diva Ashley Massaro. These days a feud between two has-beens is not a feud unless it can be played out over a social networking site, in this case, Facebook. Seems that Tammy was feeling unhappy because Massaro failed to genuflect before her at a recent fan convention.  Before we go any further, if you’re expecting witty ripostes and even wittier snarling quotes, you’re on the wrong page. The intellectual content of this feud is as far from Dorothy Parker and Claire Boothe Luce as you can get.  It’s more on the level of the “I know you are, but what am I,” variety.  In other words, it played better in the 5^th grade.  At any rate, always the wordsmith, Tammy wrote, “Ashley Massaro can kiss my HOF ass. Not once did she introduce herself to me. Not once and she dressed like a stripper.” (So there!)

Massaro then fired back via Twitter that when she arrived at WWE she ALWAYS (emphasis hers) greeted every single talent there with the utmost respect and made it a point to shake hands and greet everyone during her tenure. But NOW (her emphasis) when “some piglet talks smack about myself and half the Divas roster, and then gets bothered by the fact that I did not do same after she bashed myself and my friends, she can go eat another meatball sub and stay the f–k away from me.” (So if you’re a piglet, don’t talk smack about the Divas. Got that? Good.) Now, if that wasn’t enough, Massaro goes on, “Do you honestly think I respect you after the things you said, well I don’t and I hope I’ve made that clear. Mind your own life and I’ll do the same. You got a problem HIT ME UP! Don’t cowardly talk about me on your Facebook or in interviews. Get a life you beached whale and stop with the jealousy cuz I see right through you. I love my life, my fans, my Punx (whatever that is), and my family. Your (sic) just pissed cuz the rest of us you tried to throw under the bus haven’t gained 70 pounds. So hate on hater, I’ll be happy living my life and laughing at your poor attempts to make others feel bad. You make yourself look so foolish talking bad about others. Get some self-confidence and maybe a diet. LOL.”  Think these two were captains of their schools’ debating teams? Or even passed English?

 

WORST B.S.: In an interview with The Miami Herald, Triple H says he loves his backstage role as much as his occasional stints in the ring. Of course, being the Boss’s Son-in-Law, he has that luxury, as opposed to other stiffs who have to keep working into their 50s to make ends meet. After fertilizing the fans (“we have the greatest fan base in the world, yada, yada, yada”) he notes that while he enjoys his television role, he also enjoys his role behind the scenes: “To me, it’s just as thrilling to help a young guy like a Sheamus or a Miz or somebody like that, help them with something and then see them go out there and do it and be successful, see it click for them. It’s just as exhilarating to me as being out there and doing it myself.”  And that’s why, whenever one of the employees gets a hot angle, such as C.M. Punk had, that Trips has to insert himself and bury the poor guy in the process.

 

WORST SCREW-JOB ENDING: Screw-job endings are part and parcel of televised wrestling shows and many PPV’s, where one lays down his or her hard-earned dough to see a main event that might just as well come with a “To Be Continued” placard at the end after the inevitable run-in (s). However, WWE has it down to such a science that even the storylines come with screw-job endings. Case in point in the January 30^th edition of Monday Night Raw: Throughout the program the fate of interim GM John Laurinaitis was teased by both announcers and the various wrestlers that came out for segments. We know that Johnny Ace’s fate won’t be until the last ten minutes or so, when Raw goes over its two-hour limit. So there we are with Laurinaitis, and Trips in the ring and we’re expecting something to happen. What suckers we are, for when it comes down to The Decision, the arena goes dark and the Undertaker’s theme is played as he walks slowly down to the ring. It comes down to a staring contest between Undertaker and Trips, with Laurinaitis having vamoosed. Not that we’re supposed to notice – no, the whole point now is to focus in Trips and his upcoming match with Undertaker, probably at WrestleMania, where we expect Trips to end Undertaker’s WrestleMania winning streak. They then engage in a staring contest as the show ends. At this point in his career Taker is running on fumes and about to cash it in as a regular performer. (Normally, we would use the word “retire.,” but these guys NEVER retire, they only come back at a later date.) Ask yourself, which is bigger, Taker’s WrestleMania Streak or the Ego of Triple H? Talk about the self-answering question. By the way, a couple of weeks later it was announced the WWE’s “Board of Trustee” renewed John’s status as interim general manager of Raw. So much for showdowns.

 

WORST CHAMPION: The Miz. No matter what title he holds, he never fails to bore us silly. Whether it’s his lack of personality or his stultifying work rate, or his Ed Grimley hair-do, his matches become known to fans as bathroom break-time.

 

WORST FANTASY: Kurt Angle is telling anyone who will listen in the Media that he’s preparing to return to the 2012 London Olympics as a wrestler. Never mind that he’s 43 and has been away from amateur wrestling for nearly 16 years. That and the condition of his neck should be enough to convince him that Father Time catches up with us all. Many in the Sports Media think it’s really just a publicity stunt by Angle. He also claimed in an interview that he was highly sought after to join UFC, a claim that Dana White explicitly denied a few days later. Also on a related note, Angle was arrested in Virginia on September 4 of 2011 for suspected DWI.

 

WORST MARKS: It’s always great when the wrestlers themselves actually believe the baloney their promotion is spreading. However, the mitigating factor here is Diva, as in Dumb, as in Dopey, etc. Our winners, the Bella Twins, are noted for their beauty. They certainly are not noted for their intellectual capabilities. Nikki Bella recently took exception to an article on the WWE website plugging the current angle with Natalya and Beth Phoenix in which fans were asked whether they felt Natalya and Phoenix were the “saviors” of the Divas amid such “pretty faces” such as the Bella’s and Kelly Kelly. Feeling she had something to say, Bella responded via Twitter that not only did she win many “championships and awards,” but that she also was “a #1 athlete,” and “which other Diva was?” Digging herself in deeper, she goes on to say that her sister Brie and Kelly Kelly have been the “only entertainment that has happened to the Divas division.” Not only that, but they have worked harder than anyone!” From there she dissed every other woman in developmental: “Oh and good luck with the up and coming Divas . . .  Sure you’ll make a lot of money with them . . .  Um actually NOT!”

Brie Bella then joined in on the fun by writing that what was on the website was laughable, “but I’m a women who will stand for what I believe in so I know what I’ve given to the fans and that’s all what matters.”  (Huh??) Then comes the crusher: “I mean if WWE cared about Divas why do we have such little time on TV? Why were Divas such as Mickie James, Melina and Gail Kim released. Why aren’t wrestlers like Sara Del Ray hired? All amazing!”

Yes, it is amazing. It’s the rhetorical equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot. CM Punk hit it right on the button when he wrote, “The Divas are mad about an in house article on WWE.com that is potentially designed to garner them attention/TV time? Awesome.”  Awesome’s not the word for it. Career suicide, though, might just fit.

 

WORST DIVA DEPARTURE:  Suppose you left your job and no one even noticed? Sounds impossible, right? But that’s exactly what happened to Gail Kim, who went against instructions and eliminated herself from a Divas Battle Royal on the August 1^st episode of Monday Night Raw. The announcers didn’t even notice that she was gone; much less that she eliminated herself. A few days later, Kim told SLAM! Wrestling, that her decision was “a case of either continuing to take their lack of respect or doing something about it.” Inflating her action to a social cause, she added that her move “wasn’t just about me. It was a culmination of all the disrespect I felt that all the other women and the women’s division as a whole had received too, I was taking a stand.” This is followed by the usual laundry list of grievances against her employer, and while we can say that, for a woman, WWE is not a pretty place to work, we can also note that no one twisted her arm to return there after her tenure in TNA went from sizzle to fizzle. So now she’s back in TNA with a push. As she says, “I’m just so happy to be here and to now be a part of a company once again that actually cares about wrestling.” ?Yeah, until the push and the pay fades and she’s knocking at the WWE’s door once again. Sorry, but we just can’t see her in SHIMMER.

 

WORST FLATULENCE: One of the very few able Divas WWE has is Nattie Neidhart. She’s both pretty and talented, with a bloodline from the Hart family. She’s the type that’s a natural for a push, whether as a heel or face. The trick is to give her the appropriate gimmick so as to get her over with the fans. Well, that should be easy, given what they already have to work with . . .  right? Wrong. This is WWE, after all, and if the men are getting a lousy shake, what do you suppose the women are in for? Nattie provides us with the answer. Instead of pushing her beauty or ability, they decide instead to have her “gifted” with the talent for farting, as witnessed by several SmackDown skits. It’s funny if you’re in the fifth grade, which, considering the content of recent WWE shows, may well be their target audience. Remember, Candidate McMahon is running for office and WWE already has had to tone it down more than a couple of notches. We guess this is what’s left. Oh well, we guess it beats becoming the next Katie Vick.

 

WORST IMITATION OF WRESTLING BY TWO CODGERS WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER:  The annual luncheon for Canadian Football League Alumni in Vancouver was enlivened by an altercation between former B.C. Lions quarterback Joe Kapp and former Hamilton Tiger-Cats defensive tackle Angelo Mosca, who also enjoyed a lengthy career as a pro wrestler.  The altercation followed the airing of highlight from the 1963 Grey Cup, a game where Mosca was repeatedly flagged for late hits on Kapp. After the highlights ended, Kapp, 73, offered Mosca, 74, a rose as a peace offering by jabbing it into Mosca’s face.  Mosca returned the favor by jabbing Kapp on the side of the head with his walking stick, to which Kapp responded with a right hook, knocking Mosca to the floor. Where was Ed Whalen when we needed him?

 

WORST UPCOMING MOVIE: Speaking of Vancouver, Steve Austin is currently there filming his latest atrocity with Steven Seagal as his co-star. (Or is it the other way around?) Titled Maximum Conviction, it finds our heroes as two former black ops given the assignment of decommissioning an old prison and overseeing the arrival of two mysterious female prisoners. (How can one decommission a prison and yet admit two new prisoners?) Well, the usual gang of elite mercenaries arrives looking for the girls, and as their true identities are revealed (Laverne and Shirley?), our heroes realize they are now in the middle of something much bigger than they imagined. Yes, a much bigger bomb than they first thought. Wonder if Seagal lost any weight for this? He’s getting so big he could play the title role in a remake of Moby Dick.

 

WORST MOVIE STAR: Triple H, of course. Most WWE produced movies are of the Straight-to Walmart variety, but because the Boss’s Son-in-Law is in this one, it received a limited release. His latest, Inside Out, finds him as a man that has spent the last 13 years in prison for manslaughter for killing a man who intended to kill his best friend . . .  are you still with us?  But – now get this – within hours of leaving prison, his best friend involves him in an accidental shooting in which a man is killed, causing said best friend to skip town, leaving Trips to look after his family and protect them from the inevitable bad guys. Michael Rappaport, Parker Posey, and Bruce Dern are also involved in this mess. Bruce Dern? Well, consider that he once starred in The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant, so he’s no stranger to cinematic trash. After forcing ourselves to watch this, we can only sat that the only thing more boring than watching Trips in the ring is watching him act in a movie. We have a feeling that what the future holds for Trips is a career in WWE movies.  He had reportedly been heavily considered for the role of Conan in the remake of Conan the Barbarian, but was passed over for relative unknown Jason Momoa instead. Too bad, because the movie was a total artistic and financial turkey ($70 million budget – $21 million U.S. gross), but if Trips were in it, then at least it might have been uproariously funny instead of merely awful.

 

WORST WOULD-BE MOVIE MOGUL: It’s bad enough that Triple H believes himself to be a Clark Gable in the making, but when he starts to believe that he is Steven Spielberg, common sense is thrown to the winds, along with a lot of other things. In promoting his bomb of a movie to Movie Fone, he said the studio is “a work in progress” but feels it’s on the right track. (For what? Bankruptcy?) At least he was honest in saying that the studio is not producing A-list material, but “we’re trying to figure out what works for us . . .  our fan base . . .  and what the public will buy our guys in and what they will not.” (Let’s hope someone other than him is trying to figure this out, or we’ll be here forever.) “We get the microscope treatment because it automatically comes with a WWE tag.” (With the price of movies being what it is, the public realizes the WWE tag is a synonym for crap.) Next he told ESPN (Amazingly, the web site that reported this stated that he rarely does interviews. Next to him, Howard Stern comes off as Marcel Marceau.) that at this point he has no desire to do any more movies unless the timing was right. Next comes the killer of all killer quotes: “If I wanted to, I could make phone calls in Hollywood and get more movie roles. But I have no interest in that. Wrestling is my passion.” Is he kidding, or what? Yeah, he could make phone calls, but that’s not saying they’ll answer the phone. Finally, in an interview with CY (for a guy who rarely gives interviews he gets around), he waxes philosophic in the differences between performing in a ring and in the movies, stating that the biggest challenge making the transition from ring to film is to try not to overact. In his case, he should start by trying to act, period.

 

WORST TASTE IN MEN: Terri Runnels, the Woman Once Married to Goldust, appeared in a court on September 2 in Sanford FL to stop her latest beau, Jerome “New Jack” Young from making her sexually explicit photos public. Young’s lawyer accepted the judge’s permanent ban and also said that Young plans to sue Runnels for infecting him with a STD. Isn’t love grand?

Dishonorable Mention:  Reby Sky (Rebecca Reyes), girlfriend of Matt Hardy, on what she really wants for Christmas: “An honest, sober boyfriend.” When last seen they were still together.

 

ANOTHER CASE OF PUTTING THE ‘TWIT’ IN TWITTER: The one and only Hulk Hogan, who, on the morning of the TNA Orlando taping, tweeted that “Garrett (Bischoff) seems to have found the magic. I only hope it rubs off on some of the other numbskulls.” What a morale builder, always thinking of the company. From what we’ve heard, even his defenders in the locker room are turning on him. Seems the only one there stupid enough to still be fooled by him is Dix.  Oh, by the way, The Huckster recently announced, via Twitter of course, that he was through tweeting. The next day he was back fouling up cyberspace with his observations.

 

BEST TWITTER COMMENT: It’s not often that we praise anyone in this column, but we want everyone out there to know that Madison Rayne is our hero for truly telling it like it is via Twitter: “Let me get 1 thing straight. I am NOT going to @WWE.  If I wanted to screw up my career, I’d do it myself. #PGWWE? Baha!” We luv ya, Madison!

 

WORST IMPRESSION OF SCOTT HALL: Remember when we fans, noting the various excesses of Jeff Hardy, tried to console ourselves with the thought that Matt, at least, was the sane one? Were we ever suckers! Matt had himself one hell of a year. He posted a video on YouTube last August implying that he was about to take his own life. Concerned fans called the Sheriff’s department, and after an investigation, it was revealed to be a hoax. Jim Ross commented that it was ”totally embarrassing and inexplicable,” which is putting it mildly. For his part, Hardy explained it all by saying he “needed on more attention grabber to let the World know that Matt Hardy had re-found his true self.” Apparently he’s an asshole and wanted to make world sure of that fact. Continuing his trend, he was arrested in September on a DWI charge, and arrested again a few days later when police answered a 911 call from his girlfriend Reby Sky that he was strung out on pills. The cops found enough drugs and steroids in his place to open a cut-rate pharmacy. On September 19, Hardy announced he was checking into a WWE-sponsored rehab center to dry out, but was booted out with only a month to go after failing a breathalyzer test. This earned him a couple of days in the cooler, but the judge took pity and ordered him back to rehab in the hope he doesn’t get the boot again.

 

WORST GIRLFRIEND: Reby Sky proved the truth of the old adage that bird of a feather flock together when she was arrested in September for reckless driving, reckless endangering, and speeding. And it wasn’t her first time in bracelets: she previously served community service time in Florida in April 2008 for giving the police a piece of her mind after being stopped for a broken taillight.

 

WORST POLITICAL NEWS: She’s baaack! Yes, Linda McMahon, she of the political undead, has risen again, announcing her candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat in Connecticut being vacated by the retiring Joe Lieberman. In her last attempt she lost by 11 percentage points after spending $50 million of her own money in the campaign. For her part, she said in her speech that “As your senator, I will go to? Washington with one objective: to get our state and country working again.”? She helped prove that last time by pouring $50 million into a moribund economy.

But her opponent for the Republican nomination, Chris Shays, hit it on target when he said, “If they can waste $50 million of their own money, what do you think they’re going to do with the taxpayer’s money?” The fact that a McMahon might be in Washington is scary enough, but the McMahon’s to us are proof of President Calvin Coolidge’s remark that “everyone likes to drink long and deep at the public trough.”  If we believed in reincarnation, then we’d swear that in her previous life, Linda was Harold Stassen.  By the way, according to her most recent filing, among the more well-known names contributing money to her campaign are Donald Trump ($5K), WWE lawyer Jerry McDevitt ($7.5K) and Paul and Stephanie Levesque at a whopping $2,500. It speaks for itself.

 

WORST INTERVIEW: Hulk Hogan, feeling the need to talk with anyone gullible enough to listen, decided to share some of his wisdom with The Sun, the British tabloid. In the interview, titled “Hulk Hogan Lets His Hair Down” (Really? He has any left?), Baldy casts the following pearls before us swine:

 

“I’ve never approached him (The Ultimate Warrior) for sex. I can’t speak for my ex-wife.”

On Bret Hart: “Everything’s a shoot with Bret. He’s in a business which is a work. But when it comes to him having the belt it’s a shoot . . .  I don’t understand him not putting Shawn (Michaels) over (Montreal, 1998). It’s fake wrestling! It’s acting! If it was a competitive sport, Andre the Giant probably never would have been beat and Kurt Angle would probably be the champion now.  It sure wouldn’t be Bret Hart or Hulk Hogan.” (When he mentioned himself there, truer words were never spoken. But the mentioning of Hart sounds as if he itching for a feud.)

On TNA: ” There aren’t a lot of home run hitters . . .  that’s a guy that crosses the media barriers. You know, the John Cenas, the Andre the Giants, the Rocks, the Hulk Hogans, the Steve Austins. There are a lot of guys that can go out and have that’ five-star match’, and they can go out and do all the flips and all this crazy stuff but that’s just a small part of this business. Some of these guys you kind of need to ‘re-educate’ . . .  Their mindset is so screwed up that they’re going to have ‘five-star matches’ 10 years from now – and they’re still not going to draw any money. That’s the thing. If we can get to these guys and save them. Whether they think they’re great and their stuff doesn’t have any holes – it still isn’t working.  They’re all just second base players, midcard players, even if you put them in the main events they still do the same thing.” (Wow, talk about an ego. What Baldy seems to forget is that he hasn’t exactly been packing the halls either. And when he talks about wrestlers still doing the same thing, need we remind him that he’s been wrestling the exact same match since 1985?)

On Dixie Carter: “ She’s got the right feel for where this company should go. She really does. I had no idea a good-looking lady like Dixie would have a good feel for wrestling but she really does.” (Talk about your left-handed compliments. If Dixie Cater really had a good feel for wrestling, as Baldy says, she never would have hired him and his seedy entourage.)

 

WORST ADVICE: A sports web site called Bleacher Report has a section devoted to wrestling. However, the only wrestling they cover is WWE, and the site appears to be run by the biggest kayfabes since the time of the Stanley Weston magazines. Case in point is an article entitled 25 Lessons UFC Could Learn from WWE. (As if . . . ) What could Dana White and his partners learn from WWE except how to put on a lousy show? The one thing we took away from the article is how little the writer understands about UFC. It is emphatically not on a level with WWE, but we wouldn’t know that from reading some of the suggestions, which include tag-teams (Oh, Brother!), Divas (There will eventually be women fighting in UWF, but how much advice could UWF get from a man who himself doesn’t understand how to use the Divas?), a square ring minus the surrounding cage (The octagon is the UFC’s trademark, bozo.), ticket prices (WWE is certainly no bargain for the buck), storylines (Yeah, that should help their credibility.), stipulation matches, fighter entrances and personas (Is this guy for real?), and the funniest suggestion of them all: Get involved with WWE. If ever there was a better recipe for failure with the UFC, it couldn’t be put better.

Dishonorable Mention: The Ultimate Warrior, who is penning an advice column for British men’s magazine Loaded. The column should run in the British humor magazine, Punch, for it promises to provide some of the funniest unintentional humor in quite a while.

 

WORST PUNDIT: The only thing worse about Triple H other than his booking is when he begins to believe he is capable of human thought. In the above-mentioned interview with Moviefone, he shares his wisdom on WWE versus UFC. “I don’t see us needing to evolve to what UFC does because quite frankly sometimes the fights are long and boring, guys lying around and sometimes the fights are fast and over in five seconds.” Get him. Sometimes the fights are long and boring? Has he ever seen The Big Show/Mark Henry match? Sometimes the fights are fast and over in five seconds. Perhaps it’s because, unlike WWE, the matches are not scripted. He goes on, “I’ve always thought one of the things about us, if you look at us solely from a sports standpoint, is that we always give you a good show.” (Sure you do.) “We’re never going to give you a crap game.” (Just cut the word ‘game’ from that quote, and you get what WWE delivers.) And Trips isn’t finished: “Give more of an entertainment standpoint. Give more form; they just have fighters who walk in in T-shirts and then they fight and then they win and then they go ‘thanks, I’d like to thank my sponsors’ and then they leave.” What succinctness. What brevity. What a load of malarkey. He just doesn’t get the point that the UFC event is entertaining enough and doesn’t need to be tinkered with to the point of distraction. Fighters do not need to walk in wearing elaborate costumes and save some of the best entertainment for after the match ends.

We loved the fact that shortly after this interview came out, C.M. Punk tweeted, “UFC needs to evolve more than WWE. RIDICULOUS!!! Laugh out loud ignorance.” We couldn’t have said it any better. Even the inmates know he’s full of it.

 

WORST RIC FLAIR MOMENT: Regular readers of this column know that the Phannies just wouldn’t the same without reporting some atrocity committed by The de-Natured Boy. And he hasn’t let us down. It seems that a merchandise website called Highspots.com did business with Flair (big mistake) and loaned him money (bigger mistake). When their deal fell apart, Flair agreed to pay back the money and provide 300 signed photos. When this also proved to be a fiction (natch, Naitch),  Highspots had to haul him into court to get their money back. Naitch was ordered to pay the company back by April 29 or risk a paid vacation at the expense of the taxpayers in the hoosegow. Things looked bad there for a while. It was looking like Naitch was going from “styling and profiling” to “jailing and bailing.” Suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, Highspots announced on their Facebook page that the money had been paid and adding, “No jail time for Naitch. Whichever Angel pitched in the $ for him THANK YOU.” Angel? Try “sucker.” Hope this “angel” doesn’t expect to be repaid.

 

WORST IMPRESSION OF CAPTAIN AHAB: Anyone who remembers reading Moby Dick in school (or being forced to read it and instead reading the Cliff’s Notes) will certainly remember Captain Ahab, a man obsessed with catching “the great white whale.” Well, there’s a man out there who also obsessed with a great white whale of his own, and that is The Warrior (previously known as Jim Hellwig). He’s joined Twitter, with his first tweets being about what a rotten person the Huckster is (as if this is news to us). As if that wasn’t enough, the Warrior then released a 57-minute rant on YouTube calling the Huckster a “malicious and backstabbing operator,” warning Hogan that “karma was coming to collect,” and then giving myriad examples of Hulk at his absolute worst, based, hopefully, on personal experience. The Huckster, for his part, announced he was suing the Warrior for his remarks in the video. He said the Warrior’s allegations of drug use were just a “blatant lie,” as were the other allegations in the video, adding that the Warrior “is out of his mind.”  Oh well, boys will be boys.

 

PHANNIE OF THE YEAR: This year we are awarding the Phannie not to just one person, but to an entire family. It’s the family that puts the “fun” in dysfunctional; the wackiest bunch to hit reality TV since the Gottis. Yes, it’s the Hogan Family, the bunch that just won’t go away.  Let’s review the year for the Hogans:

 

1. Hogan, in an effort to raise any sort of fan reaction, passed the word around the airwaves that Hulkamania was due to end. Writing on Twitter, he announced “the formal ending to my long career. It was so momentous a retirement that double tapings were to be airing on October 6 and 13. Then, guess what? It was all a dream, little Hulksters. Hogan signed a contract to annoy us for at least another year. Oh yeah, and for those who care, his personal toad, Bischoff, also re-upped for another year. What would we do without them? Enjoy Impactwrestling, that’s what.

 

2. Hulk already has an autobiography of sorts on the shelves (Look for it in your local library in the science fiction section.) His ex, Linda, proving that Hulk’s not the only bad writer in the family, has written her own tome of their life together, titled Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes. It’s 256 pages of lurid accusations concerning the 24 years she spent married to The Ego. To say Hulk was a cheating, mistreating liar is only to scratch the slimy surface. It reads like the typical “long-suffering-woman-scorned” diatribe, taking credit for the highs in the marriage and blaming Hulk for the bad times. But the best came when it was time to go out and plug the book. During an interview on a radio show, not only did she repeat the accusation of Hulk’s infidelity, but even went so far as to name just with whom he was unfaithful – none other than Brutus Beefcake himself. According to Linda, a “little bird” told her about them (Tweety?).  Hulk, of course, was quick to respond on his little Tweeter, saying that he just couldn’t believe how low a person would go, “even to lie to hurt others just to stay in her perverted spotlight.” This is followed by his funniest argument: “She will have to answer to the power upstairs for her evil lifestyle.” Don’t you just love it? It sounds like one of the Hulk’s wrestling feuds. Were Hulk and Brutii lovers? Do we even care? At any rate Linda should have known that the real love of Hulk’s life is Hulk. Brutus is just there for comic relief.

 

3. Having tasted the television life, it seems that Linda will do anything to get back into it. According to TMZ.com Linda is returning to the wonderful world of reality television, this time on VH1’s Relationship Rehab, a show about people trying to fix a crumbling relationship. Lest we think its about her and Hulk, forget it. No, it’s about her relationship with the 23-year old boy toy she’s been dating for the last three years.

 

4. Son Nick has been lying low since his self-inflicted troubles. Rumors are circulating that he wants to follow Dad in the rasslin’ business (let’s hope he’s not interested in opening a driving school). His no-talent sister, Brooke, however, is trying a new medium. Failing to set the world on fire or even generate a spark in the world of country music, she has turned her talents to the world of Z-movies. She recently shot her latest masterpiece, “Two Headed Shark Attack,” a horror about a Semester at Sea ship attacked and sunk by a mutated two-headed shark, leaving the survivors seeking refuge on a deserted atoll. But, of course, it doesn’t end there, as the shark is still seeking camera time and looking for his lunch. And Brooke isn’t even the star. Long time Z-movie star Carmen Electra is top billed in this atrocity, along with Charlie O’Connell, best known as the brother-in-law of Rebecca Romijn. If you really want to see this thing, you’ll have to look in your local video store or scan the television listings for the Sci-Fi Channel, where we’re sure it will make its television debut.

 

5. Perhaps the best commentary on the whole Hogan mess comes from an adult film company called 3rd Degree. They just released a porn parody on the Hogan Knows Best  reality series. The only thing that surprises us is that it took so long, but then it’s hard to do a parody of a parody, we guess. A press release for the film describes the goings-on as follows: “Follow the nation’s favorite wrestling hero and his super-tanned reality TV family as they heat up their Florida mansion with moves you won’t see in the ring! After downing a bucket of steroids and Viagra, the Hulkster calls a hooker to calm him down, giving new meaning to the ‘choke hold’ and ‘piledriver!’ Meanwhile Brooke catches hell for wearing a slutty shirt, which doesn’t seem to bother her boyfriend Bill, and Nick entertains Brooke’s horny friend Lexi, leaving his nerdy pal Linc to get it on with Linda! With this sex-crazed family all living under one roof, you’ll want to make sure you’ve got a ring-side seat!” The funny thing is that it sounds like one of the episodes, proving that life is even stranger than bad art.

 

– The Phantom and Der Fuehrer

 

 

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